Yesterday I Had A Job

Yesterday I had a job
Today I don’t
I had to quit, but it broke my heart
It broke my Dad’s heart
My sister might never talk to me again

We’re all one, we’re all separate
We all want the same thing, but can’t seem to get there
Floundering
Drowning
Caught, unable to end it

Some of us growing in leaps and bounds
Breathing in peace, strength, calm
Exhaling gratitude, respect and love

Others only interested in hiding
Taking no responsibility, just accusing
Engaging in cold silence

What do I do?
Who do I take care of?
I can’t please everyone
I wander down the path of insomnia, panic, depression, panic, depression…..
Days get blacker
Tears start to flow

I want to hide,
Rescind responsibility, accuse
Stop communicating

I feel nauseous as I say the words,
“I’m handing in my notice.”
I summon up the courage no one else has to cut off the beast’s head and end it

Today’s the aftermath
I feel sick
I want to hurt myself
I want to sleep, but can’t rest
I need respite, I need so much, it’s no where to be found

A hug, a meal, a drive on the country roads
A compassionate ear
A cuddle

But I’m alone
Always alone

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Until yesterday, my family had a small agri-tourism business. Mom was the one who ran it. At least she tried to. She was not a nice person, struggling with depression and anxiety but lived in total denial. Apparently there was only room for one sick person in the family, and that was me. I embraced my depression, anxiety, borderline and PTSD and sought help. Everyone else decided mental illness wasn’t really a thing and they were fine. Is my bitterness singeing your eyeballs?

Mom died about a year ago from leukemia. It was a longer death, but I don’t think there was one conversation of what would happen next. There was no planning, no getting ready for death and the changes it would bring.

So now we’re left with a family business that was never managed properly. Never made any money. But it was Dad’s dream to be able to retire and just work there. He hasn’t been able to pull the plug.

I had several conversations with him about why he wanted to keep it open. He kept saying “for you and your sister.” I told him, that’s not a good idea. You need to open it for you, I don’t want the responsibility of whether it opens or closes on my shoulders. Turns out, he couldn’t hear what I had to say and kept it open just for me and my sister. And now I’ve pulled the plug.

I was looking forward to running it with him. As partners. But he couldn’t do it. He wanted me to do it all, while I kept telling him, this isn’t working for me. Stop and listen Dad, this isn’t working. But he wasn’t able to hear me.

I’m all about taking care of myself. Most days I don’t feel like it’s getting anywhere, but I try damned hard. I can’t drive myself into the ground over anything. I’m taking care of myself and now we have a mess. All I can think about is running away.

I’m an incredibly sensitive soul trying to navigate a hardened, jaded family. Right now, It’s breaking me apart.

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