Am I hot? Or did I get creeped??

I went to a hoity-toity business mixer this week. Translation: a networking party.  I walked in the door and saw a sea of black.  Everyone was wearing black from head to toe, and it caught me off guard.  It was at our local Co-op Gas Bar Headquarters, so I thought the dress would be casual.  Apparently not.

Then there was me.  All six feet of me decked out in a long teal skirt, creamy white top and maroon colored sweater.  Purple highlights in my hair.  Oh, let’s not forget the handmade moccasins on my feet.  Very country bumpkin.

Due to a light brown, long haired dog named Sam, the only black garment I own is a pair of panties.  Imagine me striding in co-op adorned only in a pair of black granny panties.  Saggy boobs, stretch marks from top to bottom, skinny legs and a midsection I’m not comfortable with.  Quite an entrance!

Is black the color to hide behind?  Does it signify that you are rich and your business is happening?  Does it mean that you are miserable and need to fit in with the other drones?  Always searching after the next dollar?  Is it any coincidence that the business I am associated with doesn’t make a profit and hardly pulls in any cash?  Would that change if I started to wear black?

I can’t see myself running an agri-tourism business in my black panties or in a black pant suit.  It’s not to practical.  Between the sunburn, mosquito bites, or incessant sweating and dry cleaning bills, I wouldn’t be up to being the boss lady.

I’ll stick with my comfy homemade skirts and colorful tank tops.  That way if a sheep takes a crap on me, I take a header into the mud, or get blood on me while tending to child who cut his finger on a corn stalk, I can throw the clothes into the washer and be done with it.

What did I learn from this event?

I haven’t made a lot of head ways in healing my anger towards rich folk who keep all their money to build a bigger house, buy another car, a boat, go south for the winter…..

Rank amateurs need not attend.  No one said hi to me, even though I attempted to make eye contact and be open to whatever would happen.  I was so out of place and out of my comfort zone.

I am smoking hot.  I noticed the photographer take several pictures of me.  (Either I’m hot or he was creeping me.) ; )

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Next Stop….Major Depression

I`m exhausted, I`m sleeping more, food is tasteless, life is grey around the edges.  I know what that means.  I`m heading into a depression.  Probably a major depression seeing as how my normal state is somewhat depressed.

I`ve been living with depression most of my life and yet, I have no plan for when it gets bad.  Having a plan would entail having a support system in place I imagine.  I have bare bones support, but no one to help me with practical things like helping me clean my house, bringing me food, checking in on me, asking me if how close I am to hurting myself or what where the suicidal ideation is at.  I`m quite alone in this journey of mine.

I take really good care of myself when I have the energy, but when the energy wanes, I need help.

I`m off to start my bedtime routine so I can get up tomorrow morning and trudge my way through another long, heart breaking day.

 

I know why I am alive!!

Why am I alive?  What`s my purpose?

I`ve been asking these questions for many years, but particularly for the past 3 1/2 years.  Four years ago I sunk into a deep depression, and felt like I was being led to empty my life of everything that I held dear.  I let go of being a college and career group leader. It was something that I threw myself into and even though I found it incredibly challenging and uncomfortable, I was able to shower my love onto these women and I received their love back.  I also let go of being a youth leader to a group of high school girls.  Being a part of those two groups was my purpose in life.  Without it, I because an empty shell.  Devoid of any life, I went through a dark night of the soul.  I knew that my life was being stripped bare so it could be built up again, and I clung to that for as long as I could.  A year into the darkness, I lost all hope and I let go of my faith in God.  The pain was too immense.  The loneliness was all-consuming.  The nothingness terrified me.

Then my Mom was diagnosed with cancer and died a few months later (May 2016.)  That tipped me straight into a hazy craze of panic and anxiety.  When the panic occasionally eased, the depression hit me like a ton of bricks.  It`s not the hardest thing I`ve been through, but a very close second. 

I`d done much searching for answers over the years.  I changed my diet, my life style became simpler and simpler as I let go of my car, I decluttered…..  I listened to podcasts, read blogs, I tried anything I could that was free.  I knew I needed professional help, but wasn`t able to afford any sort of private therapy.  I had tried government-funded therapy often enough to know that the system is a nightmare and would make things worse.

When my Mom was pronounced terminal and I started talking about killing myself, my relatives put together some money for therapy.  I looked around long and hard before settling on seeing Kalyn, a Christian Spiritual Director, (a strange choice because I didn`t identify as Christian at that point) and getting EMDR.

Kalyn was wonderful, but I couldn`t fully trust her because I feared her abandoning me, so there was always an unease in the relationship.  I met with the EMDR therapist once and it was a disaster.  I was crushed.  I was literally counting on it to save my life.  I had 36 years worth of trauma stored in my body, and no way to release it.  The panic attacks were crippling.  The anxiety symptoms were off the charts.  I was back to burning myself with my iron on a regular basis.  I was not coping, and those closest to me were scared.  I wanted to be hospitalized, but it didn`t work out.

My aunt suggested body talk as an alternative to EMDR.  Her therapist`s waiting list was two years, but Kalyn also did bodytalk, and Jenna was able to see me in a couple of weeks.  I walked into her house crying, unable to communicate, shaking, not able to fill in her intake form.  She finally said, let`s go downstairs and get started.  That was the start of a beautiful transition.

It`s been seven months, and I`ve found the answer to my questions.  My purpose is to be present in the moment and figure out who I am.  That resonated as truth for me as soon as I heard it. 

How am I working on it?  I practice gratitude.  I read Radical Forgiveness, and am working at practicing it.  I`m starting a meditation practice.  Walking meditation resonates with me, so every day me and Sweet Sam go outside to give love, to receive love, to notice different body parts, to hear the sounds, and to talk to my spirit guide, Joshua.  I`m learning about living life with intention.  I`m digging deep into who donna marie is by doing an audio course by Danielle Laporte.  (It`s called Fire Starters.)  I found a wise woman to learn from.

I am already obsessing over the next set of burning questions.  How do I attain balance?   What is balance?  What do I need to do to take the utmost care of my soul, my mind, my physical body, and my physical possessions?  Can I experience joy and peace while taking care of myself?  Will life always be exhausting?  Will I ever feel physically strong and resilent?

It would be nice to take a sabbatical from all this heavy lifting my mind is going through.  I`m weary in all sorts of ways.  But that`s not how it works, so I continue forwards with self-love, and a strength that I`m not quite ready to acknowledge. 

Once again the end of the day has come, and it`s time for my little family to get tucked into bed.  Thanks for reading!